Blog #135: Don’t move the goal post. The art of being content.

Don’t move the goalpost. … for you to be content.

Being content is an art. We weren’t all born with it.

But we can all cultivate this art of contentment.

Recently, I was watching a YouTube video in which Gary Vee is being asked questions by the event participants. One by one they ask their questions until a boy steps up to the mic and asks, “What do I do if I don’t know what I want to do in life?” Gary asked him how old he is and he replied “I am 14 years old”.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” Who has not been asked this as a child! Every time this question is asked, a child is zapped out of the present moment and transported into a future that doesn’t exist.

It makes them realize there is something else than being a child at this moment, something to work towards, something other than “now”.

Do you remember that moment for you?

I remember. I was maybe 10 or 11 and visiting my grandmother’s place. A neighbor was passing by and started to have small talk with me. And then she asked me the question, “So, Sophia, what do you want to do when you grow up?” I had not thought about this question before but I felt the pressure to give a “smart” answer. I blurted out, “Hmm, I want to be an environmental engineer.”

This story took place in the 1980s in Mumbai where, like elsewhere in the world, there’s a huge pressure for kids to do good in school and “make their parents proud”. So I said the smartest sounding thing I could think of, not even knowing what an environmental engineer does. She said, “Good, good. I knew you would want to become an engineer or a doctor.”

I never wanted to be an engineer or a doctor. And I had no intentions of becoming either even though I didn’t know what I wanted to major in college. Even when I had a major selected, I was not sure if that was the thing I wanted to do. All the way right into my early 40s I have from time to time asked myself, “Is this what I am meant to do with my life?” And each time I was not satisfied with my current output or contribution to the world.

There were days when people just did the job that their fathers did. A shopkeeper’s son would become a shopkeeper. A school teacher’s daughter would become a school teacher or a professor. And so on.

But in today’s times, changing your career path once or even multiple times is not that unusual. In fact, according to a statistic by the US Department of Labor, the average American changes careers 5-7 times during their working life. (Source: https://novoresume.com/career-blog/career-change-statistics).

I can attest to that statistic in my own path. My first job when I was a high schooler was restocking bookshelves at the local public library and then several small jobs to help during college. After I graduated from college, I worked at the ticket counter at the Natural History Museum in NYC. My first full-time job was as a tour guide at the United Nations headquarters in NY where I worked for 4 and a half years. Then again did some smaller jobs during graduate school. After I graduated, not having found a job in either of my degrees, I started a small business designing photo books. Then, I taught visualization and meditation. After that, I did freelance email marketing consulting for solopreneurs. Then I became a self-taught web designer and started my web design business. And now I am again discovering what my next phase will be all about.

Talk about career changes!

So to think that a 14-year-old should now know what he will be doing for the rest of his life is, to me, pretty insane.

Okay, of course, some were born knowing that they wanted to be a cellist already while in their mother’s womb. Or they know they want to be an athlete. Or they know singing is the only thing they want to do. If you are one of those, fine, this article may not reflect you but it will inform you about the rest of us mortals and our career struggles!

Being a child as a child

Gary Vee in his answer reminded the 14-year-old that with the progress in technology, he might live to about 150 years. And that almost everyone in this room would have wanted in their childhood to have played more, hung out some more, did more of the “childhood” things.

We look back and can see that our time as a child was precious. He then asks the kid to follow his curiosity. See what sparks his interest. What makes him jump up with joy? And he reminds him to try different things before making up his mind. To make a point, he asked his audience, “Who in the audience doesn’t like oysters?” Some hands go up. He then asks, “Of those who raised their hands, how many have not tried oysters?” Some of the hands stayed up. Gary reminded the kid to try things out before making a decision or ruling it out.

As I watched this exchange between Gary and the kid, I felt like this message was for me and a lot of us out there who are wondering about our life path.

Ambition, aspiration, goals - these are wonderful things that keep us moving forward.

And then there are times when those same ambitions, aspirations, and goals keep us stuck, suck the life force out of us, and leave us questioning and doubting ourselves; asking what we are meant to do with our lives.

So that’s the dilemma. We have aspirations and ambitions. Then we have curiosity and finding meaning or leaving a legacy. And then we have contentment. How do we navigate all of that?

I have a couple of suggestions on how to make sense of this. And I want to share two key aspects that tie all of it together.

#1. We need to let our curiosity and delight guide us.

What if you allowed yourself to try new ideas that you were curious about? Things that don’t make sense for your career progression or professional growth but simply interest you. Perhaps, something that sparks joy for the inner child within you. What if you were to take some time and go do that? To see what happens.

#2. We need to learn to be more content with our lives.
Being content doesn’t necessarily mean not having aspirations or goals or being complacent. It means being satisfied and humble about our progress so far. It means looking back and seeing how far we have come.

For instance, if my aim is to lose 15 pounds, and I check to see that I have lost 2 pounds since I started the path of becoming healthy, then I am celebrating and being happy about the progress made so far, instead of bemoaning how far I am from my ideal of losing 15 lbs.

This way of thinking is a new thinking habit. We have to wean ourselves out of the constant future-goal seeking. Yes, the future goal can be motivating and can inspire us to make changes and to take action. But it should not demolish our well-being because we realize we are so far away from achieving the ideal. Every small step is a win. Drop by drop the whole ocean is filled up.

So combining these two ingredients of curiosity and contentment, we can chart our path. Being present to the good that is already here. Being curious about where our next evolution is emerging. Allowing and receiving, observing and growing, creating and sharing.

So, how does one cultivate the art of contentment?

What I have found is that I would set a goal in my life or business. Then, work diligently to achieve it. Once I got there, I was happy for a moment. And then I set up the next goal. This cycle is exhausting, never ending and only brings a fleeting sense of joy or pleasure. Winning feels good. But it’s tiring to always be chasing that goal. And then once the goal is arrived at, I would move the goal further. Phew, I am out of breath just thinking about this.

Don’t move the goalpost and think that’s where your next source of contentment lies. That would be a lie.

This is certainly the case with earning more income. Princeton University researchers have put data behind this statement, “Money can keep buying happiness for already happy people, but among the most unhappy, the money helps stave off unhappiness only to a point.” (Source: https://behavioralpolicy.princeton.edu/news/DK_wellbeing0323) In other words, moving the income goal post higher will only solve some of the unhappiness, and then after reaching a point, its happiness-benefit declines.

I am not saying you shouldn’t aspire to earn more. No, please go ahead, and earn millions. We need more of you to become high net worth individuals and create wealth; generational wealth for our families.

Move your goalpost to get to the next level. But not to feed your contentment.

And if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. That’s okay. Follow your curiosity. Be patient. And try different things. Maybe the trying of different things is where your source of contentment resides.

How do we get out of this cycle that gets us out of breath, out of soul, and out of alignment with who we are?

Decouple contentment from aspiration.

We need to decouple our contentment from our goals and aspirations. We need to recognize what the purpose of goals is and we need to identify what the source of our contentment is. Again, that doesn’t mean letting go of the goals and aspirations. Not at all. Let me explain what I mean.

The goals and aspirations that you have about your life, business or relationships are for one purpose - helping you to determine your actions and your habits. It helps you define what you want to do to experience the fruition of your goals. So if my goal is to lose 15 lbs., this goal determines the key actions and habits that I need to develop: eating healthy and moderately, doing some walking, strength training, or cardio every day. The goals help me craft my plan of action.

However, the goals or the reaching of the goals is not where I get my contentment. Your goals are not there to feed your sense of contentment.

Your source of contentment can come from a combination of things: Gratitude is a great starting point. But if gratitude is cursory, superficial, or forced, then it will not lead you to your contentment. Add these other elements to your contentment recipe, while deepening gratitude:

1. Self-appreciation: appreciating yourself for every action step you take towards your goals.

   So taking the same example of weight loss, I appreciate myself when I do eat moderately or do go and get my 20 minutes of strength training done.

2. Humility: acknowledging that the goal is important and aspirational but you’ve already taken baby steps and are doing the best you can. This includes being patient with yourself as you make progress. Being aware that you are doing your best and have already made efforts and progress despite challenges and setbacks.

3. Enjoying the process: actually enjoying the path towards the goals.

   In my case, enjoying the movement and the experience of the machines when I do strength training. Actually enjoying what I am doing right now, right here.

4. Contextualizing Setbacks: We often look at setbacks on our path as a way of determining that we are not good enough in the thing we want to achieve. But by looking at setbacks as a status report, we can relieve the pressure and the gnawing mental pain and suffering that losing or having a setback can cause us.
   
   So if the goal is not being achieved or you’ve experienced a setback of any sort, assess it, and study it to find the meaning or the lesson within it. The setback is not to be used to define you as a “loser”. But it’s here to guide you to the changes you need to make. This is how you can turn a setback into a winning ingredient and a deepening of your self-recognition as someone who keeps going and perseveres.

5. Assessing from the past, how far you’ve come: Deriving your joy and contentment by looking back and seeing the progress made so far. I can celebrate my efforts and the progress that I have made since I began this journey. It helps me to stop comparing my present results with a future ideal. But look at the past and see how much change I have made. And this looking back is not connected with the results. I may have gained 2 pounds since I started, but I notice the changes I have made, the challenges I have overcome, and the lessons/insights I have gained. This is not about tracking results. It’s about looking at inner transformation and change within.

So we use goals to chart our course forward.
We unlink our contentment from the results.
Not postponing our joy to the future point when we think we will arrive at our goal.
We get clear about our true source of contentment.
Recognizing the joys of the process right now, enjoying the thrill of doing the work now, and experiencing the benefits of your progress now not later.

It’s a practice.
Make the click in your mind of where your true source of contentment comes from.
And then you can still pursue your goals but you experience contentment already now long before the goal materializes as your experience.



PS: If you are on LinkedIn, I invite you to ​connect with me​ there for more conversations and connections. If you want more tips and invites to trainings on how to grow your freelance online business, join the Abundant Creative Newsletter here.